All Good Things Must Come To An End

Today is my last day at home with Marissa, I start back to work on Wednesday and I am taking her to school tomorrow for a shortened day. I'm pretty torn up about it, I'm not going to sugarcoat it; I was the same way when it was time for Lauren to start school. It's so cruel that just when the babies start to communicate and smile and get active, it's time to go back to work and send them to day care. I mean, the huge toothless smile that I get when she wakes up melts my heart every single time, I want to freeze time and space forever and just live in that bliss.

Marissa and I exist in what I can only describe as a perfect little bubble. She is on a great feeding/sleeping routine so while she naps I do all of the daily chores or run errands with her. I have made dinner almost every night for the past several weeks, things are in order in my house. We pick Lauren up in the afternoons daily, sometimes earlier and sometimes it's at the regular time, depending on the schedule. And the whole time I am playing house and mommy, there is a paycheck hitting my account every two weeks. What's not to love about any of that?

I also know the enormous guilt that will befall me as I drive to work on Wednesday, it comes with the territory. That was the part I wasn't ready for the last time, but now I know it is looming. And there are no less than 100 things to feel guilty about, on both ends of the working mom spectrum. I firmly believe in balance in life, so I have to believe that by working four days per week, I am doing the best that I can for my family, me and my job. I try not to let that "but" interject next: but is it enough and worth it? Luckily, I can see the benefits that Lauren has reaped by being in school these past two years, that helps get me through the day. I was a finance major, not an education one - it is a self-deprecating fact that I am a lousy teacher, my kids are a thousand times better off with professionals shaping their future schooling needs. I am better at supplying the rest.

So my maternity leave comes to a close and we begin a new chapter, the one where chaos and juggling acts and stress abound but we will make the best of it, trying to enjoy and capture as much as we can as the girls grow up and become amazing little people. I know the grass isn't always greener, I'm just going to miss that perfect gummy smile all day long.